Currently Listening Between the Dreaming and the Coming True By Bebo Norman see related

I Know Now

the pursuit of felicity

fe·lic·i·ty  [fi-lis-i-tee] –noun

—Synonyms 1. See happiness.

1.the state of being happy, esp. in a high degree; bliss.
2.a source of happiness.
3.Archaic. good fortune.
4. Kerri Russell.

i saw kerri russell today.  it was around 5pm and the streets were charmingly quiet.  i was walking south on Park Ave, she was walking east on 80th when we crossed paths and stopped in front of each other.  you know the feeling you get when you bump into a really good friend after a long period of absence?  my face turned into a smile and my heart felt warm.  i was seriously going to say "hi, felicity. it's been a while", greeting her as i would any dear friend.  after all, i was a fan of the show and i really connected with her character.  plus, she has such a gentle and inviting nature about her that made it okay for me to hold my gaze on her for a really long moment.  she was smiling too.  but i soon realized that we were not good friends after all and she probably would not have responded by saying "hi irene! it's so good to see you" and proceed to hug me.  .  so, i turned my eyes away, and let her enjoy her nice walk.  i followed behind a couple of blocks and relived memories of angst, insecurity, and wide-eyed, innocence that were my felicity years, before i left them and her behind to head for home.  goodbye, felicity.  thanks for the good times.

by the way, she is simply breathtaking. 

caught

i was helping one of my favorite students during writing workshop.  we added a page to his book and i give him suggestions about how he can add details to his page.  he turns to me and says "i can't draw that."  i say to him, "i have a hard time believing that.  you are an amazing artist! and i think you can draw anything.  you know what?  you can do anything!"  (I might have been laying it on thick, but i really wanted to encourage him).  he responds "i can't do anything.  the Lord can do anything, i can't do anything."

i was so awed by this that i didn't know what to say so i walked away.  he left me speechless, but as i walked home that night, feeling defeated and tired after another hard week, this verse came to me.  "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" -Philippians 4:13.

i decide that i needed to tell this to my boy.  so the next day, even though i know that it's illegal to talk to children about (or promote) religion in public school, i ask him if he is Jewish (which most kids are) and he isn't.  i ask him if he has a Bible at home, and he says yes.  i write him a note saying that he can do anything, and to read Philippians 4:13.  he sticks the note in his folder (which i signed Ms. Lee) which he will ultimately give to his mom to read when he goes home... 

today, his mom comes in for parent teacher's conference and she is fuming.   =T  she asked to speak to my head teacher privately and told her that she didn't appreciate the note.  now he wants her to read the Bible to him!, she said with exasperation. 

there goes my career as a public school teacher.  =T  goodness... i don't think i'll be able to keep from sharing God with my kids whom i love.  but i guess i'll have to really try.

open your eyes

every Thursday without fail, my body reminds me that it has it's limits and that I have pushed it too far.  every week the bug journeys deeper into my system, plaguing a new part of my body.  so far it has inhabited my nose, throat, lungs, and now it has taken residence in that place behind my eyeballs that makes it hurt to even open my eyes.  a runny and stuffy nose, a throat made raw by a persistent cough, body aches and deep fatigue that makes riding the subway without a bout of narcolepsy inevitable.  pretty scary stuff.  at this point i decided that all i could do was sleep.  and sleep i did.  10 hours...almost double what i actually do sleep each night.  no wonder the bug is winning the war!

well, this morning, i woke up truly refreshed.  and this afternoon, i was able to do something that i exceedingly love to do, which i have not been able to do since I started classes in September.  i went walking.

i didn't see much and there was nothing spectacular to speak of on this part of the journey.  it was what i saw afterwards for which i give thanks. 

I got on the F train and squeezed into my favorite spot on the train-- the vertex of the set of L seats.  as i got myself settled, i looked over to the Jewish boy to my right-- physics textbook in hand and head immersed in formulas of distance, altitude and velocity.  a middle aged Asian woman sits directly in front of me.  i admire the soft lines of her face that make her gentle demeanor apparent from her profile.  sitting across from her, a young mother and her year old son exchange coos and crackers.  i couldn't help but really watch the Asian woman in front of me.  there was a weary and defeated spirit about her.  as my eyes followed her gaze i noticed that she was looking at her paycheck.  part of having 20/20 vision means that you see things that you never necessarily intended to see.  Ms. Teresa worked at a restaurant where she was paid the wage of $10 per hour.  this week she worked 18 hours.  she had another pay stub attached to this one.  i imagine it was the same figure.  she pores over these stubs, and there is a tightness to her jaw, a sadness in the way her eyelids lower.  after several minutes of close examination and cross checking back and forth, she puts it away.  my heart begins to hurt for her and other adults who struggle to make ends meet in this country with wages such as this.  i lament that at one time i remember being paid $10 per hour... but i was also 14 years old, and it was my first job.  she glances over to the woman and her son, and not two minutes later, she pulls the envelope back out once again comparing the two stubs.  my fearful heart tells me that she is calculating whether she will be able to pay her bills for the month and my heart hurts for her.  she puts it in her bag, and two minutes later, yet again she takes it back out and compares the numbers before returning it to her bag.  

at this point, she sits perfectly still and takes off her glasses.  fixing her gaze on the child, a smile forms on her face and i feel she has found resolve.  the wrinkles that previously made her look so tired and weary, now frame the warmth of her person.  i pray God's grace upon her this night as she returns home to her family and that the ends willl meet, and i am so deeply reminded of how hard life can be.  i'm reminded of the illustration that Tim Keller gives on the glory of God... on gravity.  a rock dropped into water will "quake" and pierce through the water because the rock is more weighty than the water.  everyday we live in this world the world quakes us, the weightiness of this world breaks us down, and it is noticeable in this woman beside me.  but i am also reminded.  that though this world should quake us, there is one who came and quaked the world.  though His presence was so glorious the rocks split and the earth quaked, in our presence this glory will only quake us so deep to the point of transformation.  such that in the midst of our being broken every day, in His might and love, He restores us.  by His glory, by His quake.  

especially in instances like these, i wish everybody could know the deep deep love of God.

my body has shown me what happens when i forget to care for it.  at one point i couldn't even keep my eyes open because it hurt so much.  after much rest, my vision was restored to me and in plain sight was God's reminder of His grace upon me and His deep deep love for His people.  i confess that my eyes have been closed in more ways than one.  i desperately hope that they might stay open. 

But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is! 
-Romans 1:19 (Message)

second chances

i have been given and shown so much grace.  i'm always given second chances-- not to do something again the right way, but to learn that this is a process... 

i'm learning how people learn best.  in the 1st grade classroom, our 6 year olds are encouraged to write stories.  and while most of their writing is in what we call "invented spelling," to our eyes it is 100% right and good.  we do not stop them while writing a mispelled word or give them the "dictionary spelling" when they ask.  we know that in time they will learn it for themselves.  they have the letter-sound knowledge and are on the right track.  right now what we are looking for, and what we desire of them is to learn a sense of confidence and independence which comes in doing things the 1st grade way--invented and all.  our goal is that they might make meaning from what they are writing and reading and not just focus on whether they are doing things the "right" way. 

similarly, God never stops me from messing up.  in fact, He allows me to keep on doing it despite my own desire to be perfect.  but He only continues to give me more opportunities to scribble scrabble.  not so i can prove that I can get things right, but so I would know that He is right here with me looking over my shoulder at my scribble scrabble and loving it.  He knows that this is about my comprehension...about who He is.  He will always understand my inventedness and He knows that i will get there. 

but in the mean time, i savor this moment's pause of appreciation for His grace.   

I L WT H IZ TG M
(I love what He is teaching me)